#2 LE SOMMEIL DES IMPOSSIBLES


Il me voit arriver de loin et m’observe tout en faisant cette petite moue, celle de la pitié envers les épuisés.
« Tu as l’air fatiguée ».
Et non, tu ne m’apprends rien, toi non plus d’ailleurs.
Fatigué. Un mot jamais autant utilisé depuis la fin de l’été. Une peau terne. Le regard perdu dans mes propres pensées. Un corps lent qui continue d’avancer. Qui se réveille naturellement à l’aube du jour. Qui court des kilomètres sur le bitume juste pour un challenge de plus cette année. Qui joue au tennis au petit matin après avoir passé une nuit à griffonner les to do des prochaines semaines. Qui ne connaît plus le confort d’une soirée allongée sur un canapé à mater des images sans but aucun.

Il me dit «  Tes nuits sont ok ? Tu arrives à dormir ? » Je lui réponds que non. Mon cerveau est en ébullition. J’imagine que seul les sécuritaires profitent d’un repos salutaire.
L’essence de ma vie, le carburant qui me fait avancer n’est certainement pas aujourd’hui le sommeil. Mes nuits sont de nouveau si tourmentées. Ma tête si remplie. Ne jamais se reposer l’esprit. Glisser ce corps à bout sous les draps, en quête d’un sommeil impossible. Et chaque fois, chaque fois, au moment où nos âmes sont supposées valser vers ce monde impénétrable, mon esprit fait demi tour et court vers la lumière. L’agitation. Les idées par millier. L’inspiration. Pourquoi choisit-il la nuit noire pour s’évader dans des contrées qu’il fuit la journée. Quand tout n’est que calme et volupté. Lui préfère sortir sous la tempête et braver des montagnes non éclairées.

Ceux qui réalisent leurs rêves. Entreprennent. Prennent des risques. N’auront plus jamais le luxe de ne penser à rien. Strictement à rien. Ne rien faire. Sans culpabiliser. Peut-on seulement en profiter quand tout reste à faire ? Il le faut. Alors autant mettre à profit son temps libre pour brainstormer avec toute personne croisant son chemin.

Elle me dit «  Tu n’as pas l’air de procrastiner. » Si seulement elle savait ce que j’étais. Avant. J’étais. Je ne suis plus. J’ai désertée ma couette et mes séries depuis long feu. Je n’ai plus le temps de me prélasser. Et quand je ne fais rien. En fait, je fais. Je défais dans ma tête tout ce qui a été créé dans la journée afin d’être certaine que tout s’emboite parfaitement. Même après coup. Et les nuits sont courtes. Agitées. Aux réveils multiples juste pour coucher quelques idées sur un papier. Un stylo. Un carnet. Les deux éternels sur ma table de chevet.

Ce qui me plait. Hier comme aujourd’hui. Ce sont les raz de marée. Les tsunamis. Ces grandes vagues qui détruisent tout sur leur passage et qui permettent de reconstruire toute une vie. Repartir de rien.
Et bien, ma vie à moi, c’est ça. Un raz de marée. Un éternel recommencement. Toujours plus loin. Toujours plus haut. On se prend une grosse vague libératrice dans la figure. Celle qu’on attend comme un enfant qui voudrait arriver à sauter par dessus dès le premier essai. On jette tous ses acquis. On se délaisse des boulets. Et c’est reparti.

Le hasard et le timing sont des éléments de nos vies qu’on ne peut pas forcément s’expliquer. Expliquer pourquoi maintenant, c’est maintenant. Demain, c’est demain. Qu’aujourd’hui, cela ne sert strictement à rien. Les rencontres à un moment pertinent. Comme cette folie des projets. De s’associer. D’intriguer. D’attiser la curiosité de nos entourages. Et surfer sur cette vague des bonnes ondes. Tout s’emboite parfaitement. Au bon moment.

Je ne l’aurai pas rencontré au bon moment. Je l’aurai rencontrée au bon moment.

Se retourner et constater l’évolution de son être qui, six pieds sous terre en janvier, s’est relevé. Plus fort. Plus battant. Plus avide qu’avant.
Et rire et sourire. Chanter tout haut en courant. Saluer les passants. Partager toujours ce bonheur indécent avec ces gens qu’on ne connaît ni d’Eve ni d’Adam (et détester cette expression).

Le bonheur aujourd’hui, c’est d’entendre une chanson ridicule dans un lieu public et être pliée de rire au milieu de tous ceux qui ne comprennent rien à ce moment. C’est créer à deux. C’est entendre les louanges de ceux qui s’intéressent à nos changements. C’est sortir sous la pluie et se réfugier chez des amis. Et toujours croquer la vie.

Et quand ce quotidien ne nous permet pas de souffler une minute. Il faut savoir réaliser la chance qu’on a. De virevolter d’aventures en aventures. Dessiner l’avenir qu’on se souhaite. Et le réaliser.

Et puis, décider d’installer ma routine autre part. Le temps d’un court instant. Pour quelques petits mois. Développer ces projets-là. Partir solo m’installer au milieu des rizières. Partir créer. Pour regarder l’horizon et me dire que j’ai tout compris à la vie. Puis partager ce voyage avec notamment cette fille-là. Une comme moi. Enfin un peu comme moi. Ou beaucoup beaucoup comme moi. Ou moi comme elle. Après tout juste un mois.

Il me dit « Laisse les gens venir à toi. Le reste, c’est de l’ego. Et t’as un gros ego. »

Je lui promets deux choses. De l’amour et de la sincérité. Être vraie. Quoi qu’il arrive. Quoi qu’il advienne. Malgré les éclats. Les débats.

Et l’honnêteté toujours. Celle qui m’est salutaire.

Pour toi. Pour moi.

xx

  • 10/12/2015
  • 3
Caroline Weiler
About me

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