ÉCRIRE POUR EXISTER


« En fait, bien souvent, l’inspiration vient d’une résilience. On souffre dans sa vie donc on a besoin d’en parler par écrit pour prendre le monde à témoin. (…) On dit que les gens heureux n’ont pas d’histoire. Je le crois. Si on est complètement heureux satisfait de tout ce qu’on a déjà pourquoi se lancer dans l’aventure hasardeuse de l’écriture ? » Bernard Werber

Je n’ai pas lu Werber depuis sa trilogie Les fourmis, lecture avortée pendant l’adolescence. Mais en tapant Écrire sur Google, je suis tombée sur ses mots. Le mot ‘souffrance’ ne résonne pas en moi mais j’adhère totalement au propos de dire que si tout coule, roule, est sans embûche, l’inspiration ne vient pas. En général, quand on nage dans le bonheur, on se laisse flotter. On plane. On ne se soucie de rien. Encore moins de son prochain. On a plus tendance à vouloir crier son malheur à la face du monde que de s’étendre sur son bonheur.

Ce jour-là. Excitée. Comme une enfant. À la vue du fruit de mon travail enfin imprimé sur le papier. Je plonge mon nez dans ces pages. Comme des souvenirs d’enfance. Le papier glacé. Mes parents libraires. Elle me photographie avec mes premiers exemplaires entre les mains. Dédicacer n’est pas une chose aisée. Je refuse de tomber dans la caricature de ces phrases biaisées de remerciements impersonnels. Je m’applique à lui écrire un mot afin de la remercier de son soutien pendant tous ces mois où je me comportais comme une enfant gâtée.
La seule dédicace qui me percute de plein fouet, comme une évidence, est celle pour cet autre enfant gâté. Qui n’en a pourtant aucune idée. De l’importance qu’il a pour moi.

Il me propose ce diner avec deux autres amis à lui. Dans cet italien que j’affectionne tant. L’occasion de fêter son arrivée, les rencontres et la magie d’une belle soirée improvisée.

Je leur montre le produit fini. Elles ne cessent de me complimenter. Je ne sais plus trop où me mettre. Les remercier pour leur enthousiasme. Etre assaillie de mots bienveillants. De remerciements.

Il me dit qu’il est fier de moi et qu’il croit en ce livre qui n’est pas encore sorti du plus profond de moi. Il m’interroge sur cette dédicace gravée à la vue de tous. Pour qui est-elle ? Personne ne le saura jamais. Ce petit clin d’oeil est le mien. Pour lui. Pour elle. Qui sait, je ne le révélerai pas. Cela restera un mystère. Peut-être juste la personne concernée se reconnaitra.

Je me pose dans ce café où tout le personnel me reconnait. J’y ai littéralement passé mon été. Cette jeune maman m’aborde, intriguée par ce petit carré ensoleillé sur ma table. Elle me demande si c’est mon oeuvre. Je lui réponds timidement que oui. C’est  mon oeuvre. Même plus que ça. C’est une partie de moi. Ces échanges impromptus me remplissent de bonheur.

Un verre de vin à la main, je ressasse mon vieux disque rayé. Celui d’une histoire qui semble bel et bien terminée mais que je m’évertue à essayer de préserver.

On se chuchote des histoires sans fin. Des confidences qu’on ne s’autorise que lors des nuits profondes. Ne pas parler. Juste écouter. Laisser flotter les mots sans jamais vouloir les attraper au vol. Me nourrir de paroles et rêvasser.
Prendre le temps. Dévorer les histoires. M’imprégner des confessions. Profiter de cette légèreté. Ce charme. S’apprivoiser un petit peu plus. Se parler. Ce ping pong d’émotions et de ressentis. Le jeu des miroirs. Des échos. Des résonances. Des concentrés de bonheur. Des mélodies empreintes de souvenirs. Ma mémoire s’évade et s’emballe à chaque souvenir.

Elle me propose de passer à la télé. Les belles opportunités.

On se donne rendez vous dans ce café un an plus tard que le premier.
Ce mois est fait de rencontres. De retrouvailles. De découvertes et de légèretés. De choses graves. De réalisations. De lâcher prise. Ne plus se rattacher à ces choses qu’on ne contrôle pas. Enfin dire stop. Assez. Et ne plus jamais se retourner.

On parle liberté, écriture, photographie. Enfin, une autre personne qui me nourrit. On s’emballe pour des projets en cours. On s’évade. On divague.

Beaucoup de belles choses. Des mots doux. D’encouragements. Parler de ma plume. Oui, oui, oui, elle sera. Elle existera. Je prends le temps. Cela arrivera.

Je passe du rire aux larmes. Je me vide de ce poids. Les émotions sont trop fortes ces jours-ci.
Ma boite est pleine à craquer, de ces mots que je n’enverrai jamais. Et malgré tout, je continue à écrire. Vital.

L’euphorie des derniers jours est inspirante. Elle me fait flotter dans l’air. Me ramène à ce moi profond. Moi. Moi. Moi. Narcisse est de nouveau là. Et tant pis pour ceux que cela dérange. Préférer avancer seule avec légèreté plutôt que trainer ce boulet, ce poids du passé.

Et se sentir exister. Et croquer. Toujours croquer.

  • 09/20/2015
  • 4
Caroline Weiler
About me

34 Comments

Caroline
09/20/2015

Bravo , une fois encore ! On m'a dit un jour il y a très longtemps "Ne t'arrête jamais d'écrire", et j'ai écrit, et je crois que ça a changé ma vie. Alors même si tout roule, écris, écris. Vivement tout ce qui vient ici et ailleurs !

Christophe
09/20/2015

Je pense que l'art est une forme d'expression et qu'un artiste est normalement quelqu'un qui a quelque-chose a exprimer. Je pense comme B. Werber que la souffrance est le plus souvent la source de l'inspiration de l'artiste. Ce post est cependant la preuve que la joie peut également être une source d'inspiration.

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